Is there such a thing as a "Derby Ghandi"? I hope there is. As a freshie, I have lots of questions that I simply cannot bog down the league FB page to ask. Questions like....

Can you have pretty nails and still derby? (I'm thinking not because even tho my falls in practice have "pretty much" been controlled, I've still broken like 3 nails. I have an obscene obsession with OPI nail polish so If I can't successfully marry Derby and pretty nails I'm in some serious trouble.)

Is there a number of wheels one can have before they're viewed as a "wheel collector" vs. "thoroughly prepared" Derby Dime?

How in the hell do you put BACK ON tights that have HUGE holes in them from your last bout? Don't the holes just get bigger and bigger and bigger pretty much ripping at the crotch or is that just me.

Can pad stink be smelled by the wearer or just the poor player standing next to them? Some of my fellow Freshies NEED to be washin' them some pads. I'm just sayin'.

By wearing the ProDent mouth guard, is it normal to still lisp and sound like Cindy Brady when talking or have I just not moulded mine correctly? (There IS a learning curve to it I've discovered)

Is it normal to get new skates and NOT want to wear them to practice for fear that the ass beating you'll endure for the next 2 hours will be compounded by like a MILLION with new skates in the form of blisters, bloody raw areas and general "the derby party bus hit me" feeling during/after practice?

Is it normal to wanna tell people to Piss Off when they start critiquing your derby name even though they know NOTHING about the sleepless nights you've endured trying to come up with a decent name you'll be burdened with for the length of your career much less the 1st and 2nd born you have to send to 2evils to get said name approved?

Was it unprofessional or considered homework when I booty blocked my boss from cutting in front of me in the cafeteria line at work?

I shall climb to the top of Buhr Park mountain (well, hill actually) and await Derby Ghandi to answer my questions. In the meantime, I have some pretty new skates to break in..somehow...someway...I wonder if standing with my skates on in the bathroom while drying and straightening my hair day after day will break them in.