Last week I actually started to doubt whether or not derby was for me. I started to feel like what I loved about roller derby, was the roller skating. I've always loved solo activities using my legs. Figure skating, ballet, tap dancing, cross country running....roller skating. I started to feel that maybe I don't have the rage I thought I did, to carry me through the sport of roller derby. Maybe I just wanted to skate fast in a circle. I also like the jumps. I like to "open it up on the side" and do exaggerated cross overs. Last week I didn't want to be hit. When we had scrimmages, I would dread falling down and breaking a leg. I started to feel like all I really wanted to do was roller skate. I didn't want to be touched. This was a scary thought.

I got married on October 3rd, then at my husband's request, we went on a super long honeymoon. It was hard to miss derby for 3 weeks, but his job got uber stressful right before the wedding, and he REALLY needed it. As someone's wife, it's now my job to consider other people aside from myself and my derby love, right? Right. So, we took a 1 week trip driving up to the UP (so BEAUTIFUL this time of year!) and then spent 2 more weeks on the Big Island of Hawaii. I took my skates to both places (carrying skates in a carry-on is DEDICATION, let me tell you. It's not light!). I didn't get in as much skating as I would have liked to, but ..you know, it was my honeymoon. I did a lot of swimming, snorkeling and hiking up a volcano though, and it must have helped because getting back on the rink Monday wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated.

So, randomly, out of the blue, in the midst of our nirvana of side cars and matrix's, suddenly we're scrimmaging. Holy what!? No time to process. I'm handed a helmet cover with a star on the side. Jammer? what? I felt like I was going to throw up. Not because I'm getting married in 2 weeks and could easily see myself after tonight's practice, being pushed down the isle with two broken legs, wheel chair all decorated in white carnations and pink streamers. No, that was far from my mind. What WAS going through my mind was how bad I desperately WANT to be a jammer, and this sudden flood of self doubt when actually given the opportunity to try it for the first time. Everyone was screaming, I was skating as fast as I could..... the other girl passed me, my heart dropped, I was not the lead jammer. Shook it off, suddenly I didn't care.

I have actually never liked girls very much. In elementary school I was constantly teased for wearing mismatched clothes – which, as a side note, is really funny now, because I became a fashion designer.  In high school, I had a few friends, but never fit into any cliques. I think I have had maybe one “best friend” in my life, who totally just stopped talking to me for no reason after 3 years of being “BFF’s”, in high school no less (the most brutal of the years!) For most of my life until recently, I’ve just seen other women as blood sucking vultures. They look you up and down, judge you, make assumptions about you – all usually due majorly in part to their own shortcomings or insecurities. So in general I avoid women like the plague, unless they are drag queens. In the past year I’ve made some great friends, but I feel that I owe a lot of that to derby.