I have only played in one public roller derby bout. For about a minute, not even five minutes past the start of the game. Check me out in that above picture (by Andrew Potter). Awwww yeah!! From that picture, you would never guess that a few moments later, I broke my leg. (But let’s just look at that picture again. Awwww yeah!!)

And I mean, broke it. Got carried away by the ambulance, upset other people’s moms, rode around in a wheelchair – broken. Sounds so dramatic – “I broke my leg playing roller derby”. But really, I just fell. Unspectacularly. How I wish I could say, “Yeah, but you should see the other girl!” But that’s not what happened.

The thing about sitting in the penalty box is that you can’t argue with the ref as to why you are sitting in the penalty box in the first place. It’s bogus, this referee dictatorship, but whatever. I suppose I should use my minute in the box to refocus and relax, however, this is difficult because my zen is clouded with rage… “I wasn’t major tripping anyone, I’ll be major tripping you on the way out…” and “Yes, I know I was back-blocking, but the other jammer made me do it!” Oh, I am not assigning blame on that last one. I take responsibility for plowing full speed into the pack. I guess I was caught off guard by the other jammer blocking me from the get-go and I didn’t realize the pack was quickly approaching. I was caught off-guard a lot tonight. Everyone is hitting harder, more purposefully (or hitting just because they can). I suppose I should be proud of the girls for all their improvement.

Another “no-hitting” scrimmage drill last night. The other girls told me I was an awesome jammer. But really, it was the blockers on my team – Kandy Knockahoe, General Strike, Eva Fury, Cha Cha Chingona  – every time they cleared a path for me like it was the parting of the Red Sea. It’s easy to jam if there’s no one in front of you. If only every single jam could be like that, right? No hitting, no falling, good times.

But alas, I fall. I fall quite a bit. And it’s no big thing, that’s just what happens, you fall and you get up. A few months ago, this was one of my big rookie fears – falling, breaking tailbones, fracturing ribs, bloody noses, loss of teeth… and sure, those medical mishaps are still on my mind, but the actual falling part is not so scary anymore. So in honor of getting over my fear of falling, here is a recap of Mrs. Rage’s Most Spectacular Falls:

5-minute speed skate. The skater in front of me is riding the inside line. I just cannot pass her on the inside.

My brain: “OK, you need to put it on high gear and pass her on the outside. Go! Go! Go!”

Left Hip: “Listen honey, I don’t know who you are talking to, but this is as fast as we are gonna go at the moment, so unless you get me some ice or a massage or a frappe or something right now then you need to sit down and shut up.”

Brain: “You know you can go faster than this! Do it!”

Left Hip: “Oh hells no.”

Right Hip: “Hey guys, like, I’m OK with whatever, but you know, Left Hip and I are a team, so if she’s not moving, then, you know, I’m not either.”
Left Hip and Right Hip fist bump.